We are representatives of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints – Mormons. Our prophets has sent us to deliver a message given from God.
Prophets? Message?
Yes. We’re here to tell you that God appeared to the Prophet Joseph Smith in 1820 and he chose Joseph to restore the truth.
He did?
Yes, God told that Christianity had become completely corrupt.
So you guys aren’t Christians then?
Oh, heavens yes, we’re Christians. After all, the name of our religion is the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
But you just said Christianity was all wrong.
It is. But because of Joseph Smith we know ours is the only true church on the earth.
So what’s so bad about Christianity?
You see, everything you know about God is basically wrong. First of all, God is not a spirit, he’s a perfected man with a glorified body of flesh. We believe a long long time ago on a planet far far away, our God – heavenly father – was just like us. He was born mortal. Eventually his efforts were rewarded and he was exalted to Godhood, joining the other millions of gods in the universe.
Millions of other gods?
Yup, maybe even billions. As he grew up, he worked hard at becoming perfect, just like all other gods did before him. Today Heavenly Father lives on a distant planet next to the star Kohob. He lives there with our Heavenly mother having spirit babies. That’s us. We all live there as spirits before we were born, we just don’t remember. We come here to the Earth to get a chance to work towards perfecting ourselves so that will be worthy enough to be exalted as gods.
So you’re saying you’re going to become a God?
I hope so.
And just what do you mean by perfect yourself?
We have to be completely obedient to our church and its rules.
Rules?
Well, just a few. Basically just no drinking, no smoking, no gambling or swearing, no coffee or tea, no watching Restricted movies, fornication or stealing or lying, no shopping on Sundays, dress modestly, go to three hours of church every Sunday, read the scriptures, believe in Joseph Smith, get baptized, give 10% of your income to the church, don’t question your leaders, serve in your church and most importantly, temple work.
Temples? Is that what you call your churches?
No, temples are special buildings used only for secret ceremonies and rituals that are needed for godhood.
So what do you do in these temples?
First we get anointed as priests and kings in heaven. Then we receive special holy underwear that we must wear for the rest of our lives.
Special, holy underwear?
Yes, special because they have sacred symbols on them to give us protection. Then we are given a new name, the one that we are going to be called in heaven. We have to memorize them to be allowed into heavenly father’s presence. If we show the signs to the guardian angels and tell them the password, they might let us in. And if we’ve earned it, we will be exalted as gods and start creating and populating our own worlds.
So just what is the secret sign and password?
We can’t tell you. We swore oaths not to talk about them.
So they’re secret?
No, they are sacred.
But you can’t tell me, then that’s a secret.
Fine, it’s a sacred secret.
So what you’re saying is the only people who become gods are Mormons. What about everyone else who died hundreds of years before your temples were even built?
Well that’s the best part. We do all of the ceremonies on behalf of those dead people. So will count for them in the afterlife. We get baptized for the dead, do signs and and passwords for the dead and even do marriage ceremonies for the dead.
Did I say something wrong?